tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5336041873416707762024-02-07T08:10:20.201-05:00Keeping Up With the LantzsLaurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16573372921278898660noreply@blogger.comBlogger401125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-533604187341670776.post-71038144810189384612015-09-11T13:46:00.000-04:002015-09-11T13:46:04.488-04:00God Is Not On My Side<em>"Now when Joshua was near Jericho, he looked up and saw a man standing in front of him with a drawn sword in his hand. Joshua went up to him and asked, "Are you for us or for our enemies?" "Neither," he replied, "but as commander of the army of the Lord I have now come." ~</em>Joshua 5:13<br />
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For those of you that know me, you are probably thinking that I have lost my mind or my faith when I assert that God isn't on my side. Hang with me and let me explain. <br />
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A week ago, I had the opportunity to go to church with my parents at my old stompin' grounds. Wow, the memories that place brings back. Anyway, what a blessing to hear the message that I did because there aren't very many messages that I can say that I really came away with something that has left me meditating on it day after day. But here is the pastor's statement that has "messed" me up: <br />
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<strong> "God isn't on my side, I'm on His."</strong><br />
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Seems very simple, right? I even asked George to think on that and He felt like he was completely missing it because it doesn't seem complicated. Maybe it hit me right in my gut because I was struggling with obedience in the same area that I can never seem to get it right in. An area in which I sometimes fight tooth & nail to maintain my independence in. That area will remain nameless, but everyone has an area.<br />
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The pastor's message was on Joshua 4 and how Joshua was giving a charge to the Israelites that before they take the Promised Land, they needed to decide who they were going to serve: God or the idols they had created. God then told the Israelites the battle plan for Jericho. Joshua gets to Jericho and comes across a "man" (from my understanding, it's actually Jesus...but I could be mistaken) and Joshua wants to know whose side this man is on. Is he on the Israelites side or the nations they were about to conquer? His response: NEITHER. Wouldn't you expect God's response to be the Israelites side. Of course. They were His chosen people. God didn't take a side though, even though He was very much about to deliver the Israelites' enemies into their hands.<br />
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Don't we struggle with the same thing? We want God to pick a side. This was the punch in the gut conviction that you just know comes straight from the Holy Spirit: <strong>God didn't sign up to be on my side, I signed up to be on His.</strong> And it goes beyond just signing up to be on His team, I surrendered. You know what that means? When I invited Jesus into my life, I laid down my rights to call the shots or make the rules. When you sign up for a sports team, you lay down your individual rights and submit to the coach's vision for the TEAM. <br />
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So when I get in a fight with my spouse and I want God to pick sides or convict my husband of something I think he's doing wrong, God isn't on either of our sides. I'm on His side and the Bible tells me that I am to submit (not getting into that whole topic here) or respect my husband no matter how he is acting towards me. Do you catch what I am saying? <br />
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In light of it being September 11th, whose side do you think God is on? Terrorists or the USA? Neither. <em>"For God so loved the <strong>world </strong>that He gave His one and only Son that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life." ~John 3:16 (</em>emphasis mine).<br />
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God is in it all for His glory. And He has a right to be because He created it all (Genesis 1:1). <br />
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Bottom line<strong>: It doesn't revolve around me</strong>. We live in such a me-centered world that we think that God is fighting for us. No, we are fighting for Him. We are in the fight for His glory. That fight may come through respecting my husband when he hasn't earned it, being patient with my kids when all they've done is make demands of me, going across the ocean to serve people who supposedly are my enemy, sharing the gospel with my neighbor, forgiving someone who doesn't even care whether or not their actions were hurtful.<br />
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Take heart,though, if you have a relationship with Jesus Christ, you are already on the winning side. We may not have the details of His battle plan, but the Bible guarantees us that He wins in the end. And that is a victory that I definitely do not want to miss out on. If you want specifics, read the entire book of Revelation. If you are unsure if you are on God's side, I would love to share with you how you can be certain. Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16573372921278898660noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-533604187341670776.post-81575946380766080312015-02-03T10:50:00.000-05:002015-02-03T10:58:50.011-05:00Benjamin's Birth Story<i>"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord." </i>~1 Samuel 1:27-28<br />
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I have a two-fold purpose in breaking my blog-writing silence after many, many months. First & most importantly, I want to proclaim the goodness of God's faithfulness. Second, to simply document the sweetness of our birth story (for my own aging memory). </div>
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Most of you already know that it has been an 18 month process of seeing the fulfillment of God's redemption of our pain & grief. We found out in July 2013 that we were expecting a child, but lost that child to miscarriage in September 2013. Then, in May 2014, we found out that we again were expecting. After an uneventful, but physically taxing pregnancy, we welcomed our sweet Benjamin into the world on January 13, 2015. </div>
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I was 8 days past my due date and very eager to meet my first son. I had my membranes stripped for 2 weeks prior, but Benjamin was showing no sign of coming despite being dilated to 4 cm. I went in for a non-stress test on Monday afternoon. Everything looked great! Dr. Troy asked if I wanted to be checked and stripped again, joking that she didn't think it would matter anyways. I was already scheduled to be induced on Thursday, but we were really hoping to go into labor naturally because I was attempting another VBAC. I figured it couldn't hurt for her to check and try to get labor going. Twelve hours later, I awoke at 3:00 am with very strong contractions. I knew I was already dilated to 4 cm so I began to monitor them, but figured I would have a little while to labor at home. I was wrong. They were strong, painful and coming every 4-5 minutes. My original plan was to get a shower and put on some make-up, but I figured it would be better use of my time to make sure my kids were taken care of. So I set about making Hannah and Kate's lunches for school.</div>
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After an hour of "have to stop what I'm doing & take your breath away" contractions, I woke George up and told him that we needed to go to the hospital. He was a little surprised as I had tried to stay inconspicuous and let him sleep, especially if it was false labor. The original plan was to take the girls over to Matt & Sarah's house, but I didn't want to wake them &, more importantly, I didn't want to miss my epidural. </div>
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We got to the hospital about 5:00 a.m. The OB triage nurses noted that I was a scheduled C-section on Thursday and tried to convince me that they didn't do VBACs at their hospital. I got the 5th degree over what doctor told me a VBAC was permissible. I firmly told them every OB at my practice consented to my doing a VBAC. Did they really think arguing with a woman in labor was going to go over well? Anyway, I got checked in and was 5 cm. Apparently labor & delivery was very busy & I was getting the last bed. Woohoo! The only thing going through my mind though was that must mean a long line for an epidural. </div>
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I got transferred to L&D shortly after. I labored for probably another hour and a half while they did all of the IV hook-ups, blood testing, and other set-up. Luckily, the nurse anesthetist walked in as soon as I was cleared to get an epidural. I was a little nervous as my last epidural was difficult to get in, but this lady was awesome and got it on the first time. She even did it as she carried on a conversation with George about fishing. My epidural kicked in quickly and I was finally comfortable and could enjoy visitors (our parents & my sister). </div>
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Dr. Granger came in and gave us the "Are you sure you want to VBAC?" speech. I will admit that it made a me a little nervous, but he was just doing his job. He actually apologized to me after Benjamin was born & said that he was very comfortable doing VBACs, but wanted to make sure that I knew all the risks (which is only less than 1% of uterine rupture). He broke my water and we found out that there was meconium. It wasn't a big deal, but it did mean that a neonatologist would be present at the birth to make sure the baby did not aspirate on it. He also started me on pitocin to increase the frequency of my contractions & placed an IUCP to monitor the strength of my uterus and an internal monitor on Benjamin. I labored pain-free until about 11:00 when I was fully dilated and could tell it was time to push. I pushed (again...pain-free) for about 15 minutes and out came my big baby boy with a full head of dark hair.</div>
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They took him immediately over to clean him up and make sure he was breathing okay, but he was PERFECT. He weighed 8 lbs. 12 oz. and measured 20 in. We got to snuggle & nurse shortly after. Our hospital stay was fairly uneventful after that. Because he was considered a bigger baby, they monitored his blood sugar, but all of those tests came back clear as well. We stayed in the hospital until Wednesday evening and then decided to come home due to a lack (meaning none on my part) of sleep. </div>
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Thank you for allowing me to share our story. Although, Reagan's birth went just about the same, I am still in utter amazement at how perfect it all went again. God answered prayers from going into labor naturally to having another successful VBAC to being able to get an epidural to him being healthy! Thank you so much to everyone who prayed at any point during my pregnancy. My heart is still full & overwhelmed with how God has shown His compassion towards us over the last 18 months. And my heart is overflowing with love towards my son. </div>
Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16573372921278898660noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-533604187341670776.post-20358247233105775082014-06-26T17:31:00.001-04:002014-06-26T17:31:19.196-04:00Filled with Joy<i>"The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy."</i><br />
<i> ~Psalm 126:3</i><br />
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It has been a couple of months since I have posted, but what joyful news we have to share. God created new life within my womb 12 weeks ago now. I was obviously cautious with completely blaring the news to the public. There are quite a few of you that already know and we have had 3 healthy sneak peeks at our little one now. As Kate said to me today, "Mommy, it's hard keeping a secret."<br />
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Many of you grieved with us in the valley of death with our last baby, but in sharing our news we want to give you the opportunity to celebrate & praise the Lord with us in the new life He has created. I am certainly glad to be out of that trial, but will forever be changed by the changes that God has done in my heart & know that His love & compassion was behind it all. <br />
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God has not only given us the blessing of new life, but I get to walk through pregnancy with my little sister. We are due two weeks apart. We have both had pretty bad all day nausea so we've spent a lot of time entertaining our other kids and being miserable together. It helps to share the misery with someone! This time around, my nausea has been worse with dry heaving & some throwing up here & there. Please don't take that as a complaint, but I'm definitely looking forward to the blissful 2nd trimester. I usually start to perk up around 16 weeks so only about another month. <br />
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As soon as I found out I was pregnant, the OB put me on progesterone & aspirin. I'm not sure if that actually helped me, but it was done as a precaution due to my history of miscarriage. My favorite OB has been so gracious as to allow me two extra ultrasounds (6 & 8 weeks) to make sure baby is alive. That definitely has made my mental & emotional state of health much more peaceful. Every bloodwork test & ultrasound we have had so far has returned nothing but positive results! <br />
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And I absolutely cannot leave this important part out...my servant-hearted husband. Because I have been sicker than I usually am, he has taken on some of the household chores (mowing the lawn, which I actually enjoy doing) in addition to his normal chores. He has graciously overlooked the pile of dirty dishes & piles of laundry. He has cooked most of our meals. He actually recently changed jobs within Verizon and that has allowed him to be home almost every afternoon. Little did we know how much we would need him around. I have told him this several times, but I am incredibly thankful for how he works hard in the hot sun all day long and then has come home to take extra care of our home & family. I know that he is definitely looking forward to me feeling better soon.<br />
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Once again, for those of you that have prayed us through the last 11 months...THANK YOU!!! Our prayer is that our joy may now be yours, too! Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16573372921278898660noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-533604187341670776.post-1425086299166034482014-04-02T13:46:00.001-04:002014-04-02T13:46:33.591-04:00My InheritanceI've been thinking for about the last month, how or even if I would mention why April 3rd has made such an impact on my life. To most of you & before nine months ago, April 3rd is just another day. However, April 3rd is a date that has been tucked away in my brain the moment that I was given my due date. I can tell you the exact due dates of all of my kids. In fact, I have to think twice about Reagan's birthday because I always confuse it with her due date. <br />
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Needless to say, I need no reminding on this one. Even if I wanted to forget, the two mail advertisements for birth announcements that came today, would be a blazing reminder that I should have happy news to share this week and not...NOTHING. <br />
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It crosses my mind a hundred times a day and probably has even more as I have gotten closer to my due date. The first time I miscarried before Hannah and Kate, I got pregnant within a couple of months afterwards. I had a very high risk multiples pregnancy to distract me on my first baby's due date and they were actually only born about 6 weeks later, although they were supposed to be 3 months apart. It was extremely hard to listen to the baby chime at Brandon Hospital last night. <br />
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I really thought & hoped that I would have been pregnant by now. It's been six months since we lost our baby and while we're never the couple that gets pregnant easily (and, no, I don't need tips on increasing fertility...we know what we're doing), I was supposed to be more fertile after miscarrying. So you know what I've had to do? Surrender. <br />
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Oh, it's incredibly hard, especially when almost everyone around you gets pregnant just by looking at their spouse (all said in love...I wish that was us). God has placed some scripture on my heart though that I repeat out loud to myself quite often and it's one of my favorite verses for any situation:<br />
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<i>"I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore, I will wait for him.'" ~Lamentations 3:24</i><br />
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If there's anything I've learned about pregnancy & babies, it's that He is in complete control and there is nothing above & beyond the birds & the bees that I can do to make it happen. He creates when He wants to and He creates how many He wants to. (John 1:3)<br />
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Yes, my heart is definitely still hurting & grieving. I can say with certainty though that God has been preparing me for this day over the last several weeks. His Word has brought me tremendous comfort as I have to contend with Him over the whys. <br />
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My intention of this post is not to complain, but simply to remember the baby that I should be holding in my arms right now and to share with you one treasure that I feel the Lord has given to me in the last couple of weeks. <br />
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<i>"Now if we are children, then we are heirs-heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory." ~Romans 8:17</i><br />
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The thing that came to mind when I read this was that by definition an heir has an inheritance. So I am called to not only suffer with Christ, but also receive my inheritance with Him. My suffering has produced an inheritance that I will not receive until I get to Heaven. But that inheritance is a precious child(ren). I'm going to have two children waiting for me when I get to Heaven. That makes it worthwhile. That gives my suffering a purpose. <br />
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Tomorrow, I'll share a song that has also really encouraged me and I hope will be a blessing to some of you all as well. Thank you to all of my family & friends who have shown me grace, continued to pray for us, and for just taking the time to listen. Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16573372921278898660noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-533604187341670776.post-61156987782069831872014-03-08T11:34:00.000-05:002014-03-08T11:34:08.449-05:00Dispelling a Common Saying<i>"God will never give you more than you can handle."</i> <br />
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OR how about this one...<br />
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<i>"God only chooses special people to handle ___________ (fill in your trial) because He knows they are strong enough to endure it."</i><br />
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Those sound like great sayings that come out of the wisdom of Solomon's book of Proverbs, right? Well, when you find them, let me know. I'm no theologian, but that must be in Proverbs 32. <br />
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I fully understand that sometimes people say things like that because they are very well-intentioned and they want to provide some words of comfort, but they just don't know what to say. I'm know that I have even both thought and said those things multiple times in the course of my lifetime. As I have come to experience more trials and suffering in my life, I have also come to find that many of those well-intentioned sayings are simply hogwash (and that's actually the nice word for what I'd like to call them). <br />
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It was only in the last couple of months that an older, wiser sister-in-Christ pointed out the falsehood of the above particular sayings out to me. The truth of it is that the only thing God says He won't give us beyond what we can bear is temptation (1 Cor. 10:13). You want to know why I think God gives us more than we can handle? It's simple. So we rely on His strength and not our own. Jesus even cried out in Matthew 26:39 for God to take away the cross because He knew it would be too much to handle. But God didn't take it away. It was THE necessary part of His story of redemption. <br />
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<i>"For my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." ~2 Cor. 12:9</i><br />
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If I was strong enough to handle it on my own, the fullness of Christ's strength would never be shown.<br />
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I'll just tell you from my own experience. Losing a baby after a year of trying to get pregnant, having premature multiples, raising multiples, losing another baby, and experiencing normal marital issues are amongst the biggest things that God has allowed in my life that I absolutely can't handle. The above sayings say that I should feel "special" for being chosen for these things. Like I have some superhuman strength that many others around me simply do not have. Guess what? I'm tired of being on these "special lists." People often ask me how I can handle having twins. My answer, "I do what has to be done because they are my children and I love them." It's a choice to accept the responsibility that God has given me. I could just as easily choose to not accept it as many people do. <br />
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If we follow the above logic, that means that God made a mistake when He allowed certain people to become parents who then go on to drive their van into an ocean because what God had given them must have been too much to handle. We don't have to look far to find people miserably fail to handle their trials or just normal circumstances of life. I can promise you that I am not any more special or better equipped to handle certain situations in life than the next person.<br />
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The above sayings take away the personal responsibility we have to make the choice to obey God or not. We don't get to blame God when things get too hard and we make a decision to bail. I make several small choices a day to obey God. Obedience starts in the small choices so that we are able to stay obedient in the big choices. <br />
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What does God expect of us though when we find ourselves in a trial that He's allowed in our lives that really is more than we can bear? I think we can find the answer in Scripture:<br />
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<i>"God is our refuge and strength; an ever-present help in time of trouble." ~Psalm 46:1</i><br />
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<i>"I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." ~Lamentations 3:24</i><br />
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<i>"Be still, and know that I am God; and I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." ~Psalm 46:10</i><br />
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<i>"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." ~Matthew 11:28</i><br />
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He wants us to come to Him. He wants us to make daily choices to trust Him and find our sufficiency and strength in Him. The next time you find yourself needing to provide words of comfort and encouragement to someone who is hurting around you, think carefully about the words you offer. We can't always say what God is and isn't going to do...what God will and won't allow...or why God allows certain things in our lives. God has a purpose and it is far beyond our understanding (Isaiah 55:8)<br />
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<i>**As previously noted, I am no theologian. Please feel free to correct me with scriptural truth if I am in error. :)</i>Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16573372921278898660noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-533604187341670776.post-15656285719192704642014-02-08T16:50:00.000-05:002014-02-08T17:41:24.739-05:00I Didn't Sign Up for This<div>
<b>I Didn't Sign up for This:</b></div>
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1) I didn't sign up for all of the "what-ifs" coming true. <i>What if I lose the baby? What if my baby isn't completely healthy? What if my baby doesn't go full-term? What if...?</i></div>
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2) I didn't sign up to never hear my baby's heartbeat. I NEVER got to hear my baby's heartbeat...not once. I NEVER got to see a picture of my baby. I couldn't bring myself to look at the ultrasound screen during the one & only ultrasound we ever got because I knew by the tech's reaction that my baby was not alive. I really did want a picture. I just wanted to see proof that there was a baby growing inside of me. That I hadn't somehow concocted this crazy story and am now feeling an incredible pain just for the heck of it. But when the time came to ask the doctor for a picture, I couldn't bring myself to do it. The only proof I have is a pregnancy test and my sweet doctor telling me that he saw my baby. </div>
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3) I didn't sign up to lose my baby (twice). Unless you have been through it, there is no imagining the depth of pain you feel after losing a baby. I wanted to hold my baby here, not wait until I get to heaven. </div>
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4) I didn't sign up for the shame that I feel because I am still (months later) grieving a baby that I never got to hold. I feel like I should have more trust & hope because I know that my God is sovereign & for me, but again, the depth of hurt that I feel is lingering longer than I hoped it would. It has revealed the sin of jealousy in my life. I fight a lot of things on a daily basis because I feel like I should have it more together. I put on a great mask sometimes and there are days when I feel like such a fraud for even wearing a smile on my face.</div>
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5) I didn't sign up to be the "elephant in the room." I'm the one that people avoid talking baby or pregnancy stuff around. </div>
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6) I didn't sign up to have my babies early and watch them through an incubator wall for the first several weeks of their life. <br />
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In reality, I did sign up for the possibility of all of the above, but just not the reality of it.</div>
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<b>I Signed up for This:</b></div>
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1) A healthy, full-term baby that I could cuddle to my chest and nurse and take home from the hospital</div>
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2) The aches & pains of a growing belly</div>
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3) The stretch marks</div>
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4) The weight gain</div>
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5) The exhaustion & the nausea</div>
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For those women who got what they signed up for...be grateful. I am not in any way rebuking anyone, but just a simple reminder of how BLESSED you are. It's really hard on women who are experiencing infertility, have lost a baby, or who have had a preemie to hear others complain about their pregnancies. Many of us wish we had your problems. I have had ONE pregnancy out of 4 go normally. One pregnancy that I can say, "Yeah, this one actually went right." I am so grateful beyond words that God gave me the gift of my normal pregnancy and a beautiful VBAC delivery with Reagan. I wouldn't have changed a thing about my pregnancy with her. I feel the full weight of that gift when I think about my own losses and others' losses as well. </div>
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I have been somewhat "hiding" my hurt lately. Although, my sweet mom and husband have been so gracious to love me through the past couple of weeks & bear the brunt of my tears. </div>
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You can obviously tell that I am still very much working through my grief. I want to leave you with another list of things I signed up for. One that will hopefully help you to know that I didn't write this to target anyone specifically. I wrote it to vent, let other women who have experienced miscarriage know they aren't alone, and to remind myself of His promises. Isn't that exactly what David does in the Psalms? </div>
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<b>I Also Signed up for This:</b> </div>
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1) I signed up to trust Him no matter what He allowed in my life.</div>
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"<i>When I am afraid, I will trust in you." ~Psalm 56:3</i></div>
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2) I signed up to share in His sufferings just as I share in His glory.</div>
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<i>"Now if we are children then we are heirs-heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory." ~Romans 8:17 </i></div>
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3) I signed up to wait on Him.</div>
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<i>"I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." ~Lamentations 3:24</i></div>
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4) I signed up for new mercies.</div>
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<i>"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." ~Lamentations 3:22-23</i></div>
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5) I signed up for compassion & unfailing love.</div>
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<i>"Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love." </i></div>
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<i> ~Lamentations 3:32</i></div>
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6) I signed up to show comfort to others with the same comfort I have been shown.</div>
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<i>"...who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from Christ." ~2 Corinthians 1:4</i></div>
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7) I signed up to be restored.</div>
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"<i>And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." ~ 1 Peter 5:10</i></div>
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The list really could go on & on, but I have a daughter who is sitting at my feet begging me to take a bath. I couldn't bear the burden of what I didn't sign up for without a Savior to walk with me through every step, to catch every tear, and to shower upon me an unfailing love that I in no way deserve. He will continue to be my song and my portion until my heart is healed.</div>
Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16573372921278898660noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-533604187341670776.post-42838325728835429852013-12-02T11:21:00.001-05:002013-12-02T11:21:17.751-05:00Still living through it"Grief is not something you get over; you get through it." <br />
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The above is a quote from Pastor Rick Warren from yesterday's "Parade" in the newspaper. Those words perfectly describe my heart right now. I have really been struggling lately with how to put my emotions into words and how to deal with the fact that I am still very much hurting. That quote hit the nail on the head. There were many times over the past couple of weeks where I found myself in tears and I just kept thinking, "<i>Lauren, shouldn't you be over this by now? It's been 2.5 months." </i> I know that is expecting a lot of myself and the reality is that I lost a baby. I may have stopped counting how many weeks I would've been, but I'm fully aware that I would know if we were having a boy or girl. <br />
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Maybe I could get over it if I hid in a closet and refused to come out. I am reminded a hundred times a day of my loss. It could be something as simple as planning a family vacation around our first baby's original due date, hanging out with a friend who is pregnant, seeing maternity clothes advertised in the newspaper, looking at my non-bump waistline, reading about another's miscarriage, etc. None of those are anyone's fault; it's life. <br />
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I guess the quote just made me feel normal for still feeling immense hurt over losing our baby. Our bible fellowship class talked about what it means to die to self so that we live for Christ. My answer right now is simply getting up and not giving in to the temptation to quit trusting God. It's clinging to the truth that even though I don't feel or see the good in all of this, it's there and He's there. It's fixing my eyes on the unseen because those are the things that are eternal. (2 Cor. 4:17)<br />
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I hesitated whether or not to even write this post because there might be some of you that think I'm simply dwelling in the hurt and need to move on. I'm not. I'm still getting through it. I don't know how long it will take. I at least have the hope of knowing I can carry healthy babies to term. And I thought that that reality would somehow bring me more comfort than it does. I actually am quite fearful of what happens the next time I'm pregnant. In all honesty, I really don't want to live through this grief again. It doesn't get any easier the more you have. <br />
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I also hesitated to share this because I have a couple of precious friends who are pregnant and are experiencing normal, healthy pregnancies and I NEVER want to make them feel guilty for our loss or make them feel like I'm not happy for them. They are godly women who have been very compassionate towards me over the past several months and I appreciate them showing me mercy when their good news is a reminder of my heartache. I have been very much wrestling with coming to peace over the fact that God's plan for our family is different than His plan for their. And that's my struggle to bear, as I'm just not there yet.<br />
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The good thing is that I am living through it and that's only because of the Lord's strength and compassion towards me. Thank you for letting me be honest with you this morning and for allowing me to continue to share our story as I have faith that He's still got a lot to write.Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16573372921278898660noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-533604187341670776.post-1374344586727120252013-10-25T09:32:00.003-04:002013-10-25T09:32:45.573-04:00I See YouA friend & former NICU parent posted an article today on Facebook that really hit home with me in our current circumstances and got me thinking. The article was by a NICU nurse who commends NICU parents for their day in and day out sacrifices. She encourages the parents by saying that she sees them. Her article repeats over and over again, "I see you."<br />
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Invisibility is a characteristic I have come to know intimately over the years. I'm not saying that I feel alone and trying to elicit sympathy. Not at all. I think at some point in their lives, everyone feels invisible. Even if what we are going through (divorce, loss of a family member, a move, etc.) is very public, it doesn't take long for everyone else to move on with their own lives while your own life is stuck on PAUSE. God ordains these seasons so that we can draw near to Him. He is ultimately supposed to be ENOUGH for us. Sometimes He may have to distance us from the people or things that we stuff into our lives to make us feel full for us to realize that they are just a substitute for Him and His sufficiency. <br />
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"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Cor. 12:9)</blockquote>
The lesson that I guess that I take away from the article is not to wallow in those seasons in which I feel invisible, but to recognize the invisible. People need to know that they are seen. God uses the church, not the physical structure, but the body of believers to make Himself known. There are numerous examples of where Jesus went out of His way (sometimes literally...John 4-the Samaritan woman at the well) to SEE people and minister to them. John 4, 5, 9, 11 are just some examples.<br />
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God tells us in 2 Cor. 1:3-4 that one of the reasons He comforts us is so that we can comfort others in their troubles with the same comfort we have received. Let's stop hoarding the comfort we have received and give it away. Start seeing people. Sometimes that may mean getting out of our Christian comfort zone, seeing past the sin, and choosing instead to look at them through the compassion of our Savior. It's easy to see people when a devastation has just occurred. The harder thing is to sustain that vision of them throughout a long trial or throughout their long season of grieving.<br />
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Trust me, I am in NO way writing this to condemn. I'm really thinking out loud and mainly preaching to myself. I am just as guilty as the next person of becoming too involved in my own life that I stop seeing people. God has allowed very difficult things in my life (infertility, NICU, miscarriages) though that have given me new eyes for these precious people walking through those circumstances. We have obediently answered the call to minister to NICU families and I can't tell you the immense blessing that it has been.<br />
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My mind has dwelt a lot on some words that John Piper preached in a song that I posted recently. The song (Though You Slay Me by Shane & Shane) itself is beautiful. He said, "Not only is all your affliction light...but all of it is <i>totally meaningful</i> (emphasis mine). Every millisecond of your pain...it's not meaningless."<br />
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The worst thing that I could ever do to make my babies' death in vain is to selfishly hoard the comfort I have received. Let's start making our suffering meaningful and purposeful by seeing people. Yes, it might take some sacrifice on our behalf to drop an activity or two, but I think it's worth it when we consider the sacrifice Jesus Christ made on our behalf to see us in our sinfulness and die to save us from our sin.Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16573372921278898660noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-533604187341670776.post-61535546448611427802013-10-22T21:08:00.001-04:002013-10-22T21:08:31.722-04:00Fixing My Eyes on the Unseen<i>"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." ~2 Cor. 4:17-18</i><br />
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At this very moment, my heart is bursting with the comfort of Jesus through this verse. I have to admit though that I am conflicted with the first part of this verse. How is losing a baby (much less 2) considered light and momentary? Really? Because having your heart broken into a thousand pieces and your hopes dashed in an instant, doesn't really feel light and momentary. <br />
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Here's the key though. If all I am is focused on the present, then yeah, those things feel like the weight of the entire world rests on my chest. But if I can train my mind to focus on the eternal plan of God Almighty, then it is light and momentary. That doesn't mean that I don't feel the pain from the top of my head to the very tips of toes. It means that I know that God is doing something in my future that I can't see yet. I may not ever see it until Heaven. But if the hurt is so great here, it has to mean that the glory is infinitely times better there. <br />
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And I can't see the ripple effect that my baby's death had on everyone around me. I've had a couple of opportunities to share the gospel with precious women who are grieving the same thing I am. I've "seen" the way that God has used my pain to comfort other women who have or are going through the same thing. But God is doing so much more eternal work that isn't seen. <br />
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So I have to hold onto the deep truth of this verse because otherwise my grief will outweigh the glory.<br />
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Lord, fix my eyes on the unseen. Fix my eyes on you. Don't let me get caught up in placing my confidence in my present circumstances. Give me eyes to see your glory and give me the eternal perspective to consider my suffering light and momentary. I love you.Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16573372921278898660noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-533604187341670776.post-47869778374611170132013-10-16T12:14:00.001-04:002013-10-16T12:14:22.868-04:00Love & The Outcome - He Is With UsA lot of the songs I've posted recently make me sing a song of surrender in tears, but this one makes me want to sing a song of surrender through dancing & shouting! I love this song! Hope you do, too.<br />
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Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16573372921278898660noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-533604187341670776.post-17367727635989845942013-10-15T13:12:00.000-04:002013-10-15T13:12:17.444-04:00To My Fully Restored & Perfected Babies,<br />
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Today might be the official day to remember you, but know that your mommy thinks about you everyday. While some of the wounds of losing you have healed, it feels like many of them were so recently ripped open. I miss you like crazy, but I know that you are whole in the Lord's presence. While I have to be honest and admit that there are completely selfish parts of me that just wanted you to stay here with us, I can find peace in knowing that you are with my Savior and your Creator. You do not share my hurt and my pain because there is no pain where you are. You know the full joy of Jesus and I am jealous. I wish that losing you didn't tear me to pieces like it did. Jesus has a reason for my pain though. Maybe you already know why. Maybe God has given you a glimpse of what He's doing to reveal His glory through your short life. I never even imagined that I would have my some of my babies in heaven to greet me. It's not something that any mommy wants to happen. <br />
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The greatest blessing I have as your mommy is knowing that God used you. God has used you to draw me near to Him and know Him as a sovereign God who is intimately involved in my life. He used you to prepare me for the difficulty of having twins and their struggle in the early months of their life. He has used you to soften my heart towards countless women and families as they also walk journeys of losing their babies. He used you to produce hope in my heart and to share it with other women. While you are already conformed to the image of Christ, He still has a lot of work to do on mommy.<br />
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Some people may think that your short life was a waste of time and that my tears for you are silly because I never got to meet you or know you. However, because of you, I know my God in ways that other people don't. You were perfect gifts from God at the perfect time in the perfect way. Your death was not a punishment to you or me or your father, but a sign that God still loves us because those He loves, He disciplines and refines. I can't say that I very much like the process, but I do love Him and I trust Him. <br />
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So go run, leap, dance before the throne of Jesus. I love you.<br />
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Your MommyLaurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16573372921278898660noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-533604187341670776.post-85609219561267040982013-10-13T14:41:00.000-04:002013-10-13T14:41:08.826-04:00AskI've had a lot of people mention to me that they fall into one of two categories:<br />
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1) You either have suffered a miscarriage(s) and like most who do, find yourself trying to navigate the grief feeling alone. You may have either chosen to share about your little one, or you may have kept it to your immediate family & friends, or you may have told no one at all. So while most of us aren't actually alone in our suffering, we feel that way because most people find it extremely hard to grieve a baby that they have no bond with. However, some do choose to keep it a secret from everyone, and that's their choice. I personally would find that very hard to do as it would make me have to do one of two things: either put on this mask of "I've got it all together" or avoid people like the plague to not allow people so see my real hurt. That's simply not how God wired me. <br />
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It's a personal choice for each woman. However, I would encourage you to share it with at least close friends and family. You need to have people praying for you. When you are grieving and hurting is when Satan will attempt to convince you the most that God is not for you and that He doesn't mean to use your suffering for His glory. You need people who will speak and pray the truth into your life. I think that you will also find it hard to fully heal because you always walk around with this little secret and you are pretending. People need to see the depth of hurt in us so they can see the depth of Jesus's unfailing compassion and mercy.<br />
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2) The other category would be that you are family members or friends or know someone who has suffered a miscarriage(s). A lot of people struggle with how to help and encourage those who are grieving because they don't know how to. I always appreciate someone's attempt, even if it's way off, than someone who never tries at all. My advice to people who fall into the second category is to ask. Most people will ask in the week that follows, but soon people move on and there never comes another, "How are you doing?" I had a friend ask even today if there was anything I needed. I feel like life has returned to our new normal and I'm okay with that so I told her no. <br />
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Don't be afraid to ask though. I have no problem talking about my baby. It's the only chance that I ever get to. I don't have any baby pictures to show off, but I guess the story I have to tell of God's faithfulness is just as important. While I don't have a beautiful birth story, my baby does have a beautiful story. It's His story of His faithfulness and glory. So if you feel hesitant to ask because you're afraid that I won't want to talk about it, that may be a risk you have to take. Just know that most women are willing to talk. We just don't want to be the ones who start the conversation because we don't want you to feel like that's all we ever talk about. Maybe you take that risk though and the person puts up a wall. I guarantee that at least that woman will walk away knowing that even if she has no desire to discuss her suffering, she will at least know that you cared enough to ask. It's better to risk asking because you care than to risk ignoring the situation and making her feel like she is just another face in a sea of people. <br />
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I guess my main encouragement in writing this today is to people who aren't the ones suffering directly, but are watching a loved one walk through that grieving process. I would say that the most important thing to communicate in whatever approach you use is to make it your end goal to leave that person feeling like they have support and they (most importantly, their baby) are not forgotten. <br />
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I hope all of that makes sense!Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16573372921278898660noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-533604187341670776.post-66560178689863615492013-10-09T13:07:00.001-04:002013-10-09T13:07:02.910-04:00It's Not Meaningless<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/qyUPz6_TciY" width="480"></iframe><br />
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Not much to say today, but just wanted to share another song with you. Yes, I wept through it. For a couple of reasons:<br />
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1) God is still worthy of my worship, praise, and adoration even when His plans are not my plans. Sometimes that worship comes through the simple tears of surrender.<br />
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2) I love when John Piper says that every millisecond of my pain is meaningful, especially when it comes out of an obedient heart. It would be so easy to walk away out of anger & jealousy because it is a fight to keep believing out of obedience. Do I always feel like trusting God? No. There are some days I do it simply because I make a choice to. When I hear that someone else is pregnant with a healthy, growing baby...do I let myself be overcome with jealousy & anger? I could, but I fight not to. God has been so gracious to me to write scripture upon my heart that has guarded me from getting entangled in those sins. I love that He will honor my obedience even when it's done through tears of pain, a willing heart, and not just when I feel like it.<br />
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Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16573372921278898660noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-533604187341670776.post-62621816882215748192013-10-07T09:40:00.001-04:002013-10-07T09:40:46.695-04:00Don't Stop Believin'I believe it was the very first week that I began the Bible study on Joseph that Aprile mentioned that God performed no miracles (acts that defy the laws of nature and are unexplainable) in Joseph's story. However, He chose to work through everyday, ordinary circumstances. I have been holding so tightly to that truth because I can CLEARLY see how God has had His hand in the everyday details of my life. From seeing the right doctor to already being in a Bible study that would bring exactly the right truths to soothe my grief. As I sit here and write this, I am overwhelmed with God's goodness. Yes, I hurt and my pain is still very real, especially as I think about a precious sister in Christ who is facing her own uncertainty about her baby. But I know that deep within the pit of my hurt, God is deeper still (Thank you, Aprile).<br />
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Yesterday, in our Bible fellowship class, we discussed the story of a Roman royal official who was seeking Jesus's healing of his sick son. The story is found in John 4:43-54. The verse that stuck out to me the most was Jesus's reply in 4:48,<br />
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"Unless you people see miraculous signs and wonders," Jesus told him, "you will never believe." </blockquote>
I have always just taken that verse to mean that Jesus was chastising the Jewish officials because they refused to believe without miracles & wonders. That's partly right, but having been through and still walking through this trial, I see more to it. I see Jesus also encouraging us to see His faithfulness and Hand in my everydays.<br />
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God chose not to sustain our baby's life. And as I told Hannah and Kate last night when they repeatedly asked me why Jesus didn't keep our baby alive, I don't know have an answer as to why. I may never know the grand scope of His plan, but I see bits & pieces of it. I see it through my own refinement process and through the blessing of encouraging other women going through the same pain. If God had given us that miracle and saved our baby, I would have not seen the BEAUTY (and if His faithfulness is that beautiful here, imagine what it will be like when we come face to face with it) of His intimate involvement in my daily walk with Him.<br />
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So, I'm not sure the true, genuine, lasting belief comes through the big miraculous signs and wonders. It comes through the choice to daily look for God's faithfulness in the small things. Things we take for granted. Things that I could easily have written off as coincidence. David wrote in Psalm 139 how God has ordained all of my days and He has written them in his book. He knows my going out and my lying down. Do I have enough faith to believe that God is just as involved in the big stuff as He is in the quiet gentleness of getting me excited about a Bible study that He knows will help to heal my aching hurt or knowing exactly when the right timing was for my body to begin to recognize the baby needed to come out?<br />
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One of our friends from bible fellowship class pointed out yesterday that Hannah and Kate are also perfect examples of this. God could have chosen to heal Hannah in my womb so that they would be born full-term, but He didn't. He used everyday, normal medical technology to save their lives. We wouldn't have started our NICU support group and been able to share His work in our daughters' lives had He chosen to provide one miraculous healing. I know that is really hard to see when you are in the midst of a trial, but I'll take you back to Lamentations 3:22-23,<br />
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"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning, great is your faithfulness."</blockquote>
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Here is a beautiful song that reminds me daily that God is for me. Enjoy!<br />
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<br />Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16573372921278898660noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-533604187341670776.post-39829984777123482732013-10-03T13:10:00.001-04:002013-10-03T13:10:36.172-04:00What if My Healing Comes Through Tears?It's unusual for me to have the radio completely off, but I had 4 children in the car yesterday and for reasons I'm sure that I don't need to explain, I turned it off. I turned it back on on the way home from the gym this morning and the song that was playing was just what I needed to hear after being reminded for an entire hour of what was missing right now. I had only returned to the gym this week so the last time I was there I was still pregnant. It might seem silly, but I often have the thought, <i>"Oh, the last time I was here, my baby was with me." </i>Simple thought, but reality. I'm sure it's a common thought of anyone who has recently lost a loved one. When you walk into a room though and suddenly there are 3 pregnant women, 2 of which the last time I had seen them they weren't showing, it was a reminder that I would've been getting the "pregnant pudge" soon. It's one of those few times at the gym that it's okay to be fat & you don't have to worry about sucking in your gut! :) I fought the whole time to keep my emotions neutral and tried to take my hurt/anger and put it into more energy for working out. <br />
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We have lived the truth of this song on more than one occasion and it's just another reminder that God is working in our family. A verse that I have grown particularly fond of over the past couple of weeks is Genesis 41:52. "It is because God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering." <br />
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Lord, may every tear that falls be watering the seeds of your glory that you are planting in not only our lives, but for everyone you will touch with our baby's life.Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16573372921278898660noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-533604187341670776.post-69033015494217490522013-10-02T22:04:00.000-04:002013-10-02T22:04:07.672-04:00Awwwkward"Hawk-ward" is how my Hannah says it, but awkward is a good word to describe how people feel sometimes when they get an answer they weren't expecting. It might also be a good word to describe how I feel answering them. I guess it might help if you knew the question. <br />
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<b>"How many kids do you have?"</b> OR the one I got asked tonight, <b>"So you guys having any more kids?"</b><br />
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Let me be VERY clear when I say that I in no way hold it against anyone who asks the second question. No one really knows what is going on. I think I feel more sorry for them when they feel so bad for asking the question. In that instant that it takes before I answer, I have a small internal struggle. <i>Do I give them the truth? Do I lie and say I only have 3 kids so I don't have to explain? Is it fair to deny my precious two children already in heaven?</i><br />
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My answer generally depends on who is asking and where I'm at at the time. For instance, the lady giving me a pedicure the other day probably did not need to hear personal details about my life. I came in to relax, not relive fresh grief. However, tonight at church, I was involved in a conversation about my children and she asked if we were having more. I struggled to answer for a second and then decided to just tell the truth. I explained that we had just lost a baby a couple of weeks ago. She, of course, apologized and said she felt so bad for asking. I told her it was fine (and really it was my choice to answer the way I did) and that the Bible study we had all just come out of was God's way of working through my pain. <br />
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Still, I think that A LOT of women struggle with how to answer that question. If I were completely honest with people, I have 5 children. I have 3 living children and 2 in heaven. Never quite imagined that our family would ever contain that many children and we don't have plans to stop there. I won't tell you the right way or the wrong way. It's each person's choice as to how they answer that question. And you are not denying those babies in heaven if you choose to give the easy answer. <br />
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Although, answering those questions honestly gives me the opportunity to tell others of God's faithfulness. If you find yourself on the opposite side and you are the one doing the asking, you don't have to apologize for asking the question. Your intentions were pure. You can always simply reply with, "I'm sorry for your loss. How can I pray for you?"Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16573372921278898660noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-533604187341670776.post-61666332844247604882013-10-01T17:23:00.000-04:002013-10-01T17:23:15.174-04:00Harder Than I ThoughtI have been very encouraged by the many people who have said that they appreciate my honesty and transparency while going through this situation. Therefore, I will keep sharing until I have nothing left to share.<br />
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Today, I had my post-op follow-up appointment with my OB. I felt really strong and great going into it. You know what that means, right? The higher you feel, the farther you fall and the harder you smack the ground. I was good until I walked in the office and I felt myself breaking piece by piece. I looked over and saw a couple sitting (have no idea why they were there) in the exact same spot that George and I sat both times that we waited to see the doctor right before we were told of our miscarriage. That's what started my emotional downward spiral. I held it together while paying my doctor bill from the actual surgery. Not that I blame the doctors at all, but it just kind of hurts to actually have to pay for them to remove my unborn baby. At least it was merely a $15 co-pay. Then I hid myself in some chairs that are behind a wall (for those of you who go to my doctor's office, you know exactly the ones I am talking about) and tried not to totally lose it. I grabbed my Bible, which I thought would be a good read because I wasn't really sure what to expect. I flipped through the Psalms and found some amazing words of comfort. It was just kind of hard to feel the comfort at that point.<br />
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The sweet nurse tried to converse with me as little as possible because I think she knew something was wrong. Not her fault, but when she asked me if I came alone, all I could do was cry. She gave me some tissues and took me to the exam room and then gave me a big hug. Kinda weird hugging a stranger, but when you are hurting that badly, you appreciate any hug you get. I thought I'd have some time to collect myself, but they happened to put me next to someone who was listening to their baby's heartbeat. And since the walls are thin, I heard everything. I know it wasn't done to intentionally hurt me, but once again, it was the last thing that I needed at that moment. Dr. walks in and I can't even talk. Cue hug from my favorite doctor in the world. <br />
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My body has healed just fine. I was very thankful that he gave me the option to do bloodwork. That was just one more thing that I didn't want to have to endure in order to remind me of my loss. He told me that he could see the baby just at my cervix when he was doing the surgery and he absolutely knows that he get the baby out. It was comforting to hear that he knows without a doubt that there was a baby in my belly, but also hard to hear. He told me to call him the minute I get pregnant next time so that he could start me on some preventative measures in case (and this is a big IF) it was my body that wasn't able to support the pregnancy. We ultimately have no idea why we have miscarried twice. It could be a chromosomal deformity, in which case there is nothing to prevent those types of miscarriages. It could also be that I have insufficient hormone levels. None of us know either way, but it is nice to have a doctor who personally understands the heartbreak of miscarriage and is willing to do anything he can to put our mind at ease the next time around.<br />
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Ultimately, I know that it is God's plan that has already prevailed and will prevail in our future. Thank you so much for the prayers. Today was a million times harder than I thought it would be and I remembered it being the first time around. Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16573372921278898660noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-533604187341670776.post-44544863322830351442013-09-27T11:43:00.001-04:002013-09-27T12:16:45.963-04:00My Song LatelyI am so grateful that no matter how broken my heart is, I am fully & completely loved by a God who is working for my good (and I mean that word in the purest & deepest sense possible). We will never know the fullness of the word good until we experience Heaven. As I sit down every morning to marinate in Joseph's story, I am falling in more in love with my Savior. I am clinging white-knuckled to a God who has my times in His hands (Psalm 31:15) and who is in perfect control over everything & everyone. So while the pieces of my heart are still being healed by my Comforter, I will keep declaring that I will trust him. Grateful for songs that so adequately express my heart:<br />
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P.S. This is not a place that I have come to easily. It has taken YEARS of refinement for me to be able to get to this place of faith out of reflex. So if you are walking through your own trial and wondering why you can't seem to trust God so quickly or easily, please don't beat yourself up. And neither have I perfected my faith. That comes in Heaven. I am still very much human and very much struggle with sin, but God has used the trials of my past to produce Romans 5:3-4 in my life.<br />
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<span class="text Rom-5-3" id="en-NIV-28051" style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><span class="versenum" style="font-size: 0.75em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;">3 </span>Not only so, but we<span class="footnote" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;" value="[<a href="#fen-NIV-28051a" title="See footnote a">a</a>]">[<a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans+5%3A3-5&version=NIV#fen-NIV-28051a" style="color: #b37162; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: top;" title="See footnote a">a</a>]</span> also glory in our sufferings,<span class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-NIV-28051A" title="See cross-reference A">A</a>)"></span> because we know that suffering produces perseverance;<span class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-NIV-28051B" title="See cross-reference B">B</a>)"></span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span class="text Rom-5-4" id="en-NIV-28052" style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><span class="versenum" style="font-size: 0.75em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;">4 </span>perseverance, character; and character, hope.</span><br />
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<br />Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16573372921278898660noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-533604187341670776.post-51391582747742508672013-09-24T20:52:00.003-04:002013-09-24T20:52:57.673-04:00TonightTonight, I miss my baby. I have had several good days, but something (won't say what exactly because some of you may think it's too personal...just the absence of a certain pregnancy symptom) brought me face-to-face with our reality again. And I simply miss my baby. There are those certain symptoms that all of a sudden disappear, but you have been used to them for the last several weeks. In fact, those symptoms have somewhat been of great comfort because it meant a healthy (or so you thought) pregnancy and a healthy baby. And without those, it's just a daily reminder of what I've lost. <br />
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You know, I even thought tonight, how foolish I was. How did I allow myself to be fooled into thinking that I had a healthy baby inside of me. Shouldn't I have instinctively known somehow that something wasn't right? I thought how foolish I must look to other people now because all of those symptoms that were still very real even though my baby was already gone. I know in my mind how stupid that is because there are so many uncontrollable hormones at work inside my body and I even met with my OB after my baby had already died (didn't know that at the time though) and he seemed to think everything was also fine.<br />
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Some people may think that these are very random thoughts to share, but I have been so encouraged by many precious women who have told me that they are so glad that I'm sharing because I'm putting voice to the "suffer in silence" grief that so often comes with the death of an unborn baby. I think that we (myself included) expect people to quickly get over a miscarriage because it was a baby that we never even met and there's just not that same bond that a mother has when she's actually held & nurtured that baby. I think, in certain ways, it's just as hard to mourn someone that you never even knew or got the chance to love. You simply have to trust that the Lord's plans for your child's life were higher than your own. So tonight, I will rest in Isaiah 55:8-9:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." </blockquote>
Thank you so much for those who are praying me through the hard days. You have several "good days" and then you are smacked right in the gut with the feeling of a deep longing for your baby. And there is no other way to say it than it just simply hurts. I appreciate those of you that have willingly boarded this emotional rollercoaster with us and have decided to keep going around until God has healed our pain. Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16573372921278898660noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-533604187341670776.post-11896369640983504362013-09-23T12:36:00.001-04:002013-09-23T12:36:34.115-04:00Perfect TimingI have had a couple of "good" days lately. That doesn't mean that I am not constantly reminded of the fact that there should be a healthy baby growing inside of my belly, but it does mean that my mind has accepted the reality of losing our baby and my heart's desire to see God's glory in the midst of my pain is growing deeper than the actual pain itself. My questions have ceased to be, <i>"Why us? How will we get through this?"</i> They have become, <i>"What are You going to do with our pain so that out of it blooms your glory, Lord?" </i><br />
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There is no perfect time to have a miscarriage nor lose any loved one. However, I feel like God has given me an answer as to why it happened in the timing that it did. Let me give you some background. I went off of birth control in June and found out I was pregnant at the end of July. We have never gotten pregnant on the first try so we were surprised that it happened so quickly, but also very happy. I never had the full onslaught of nausea that I did with the girls and at around week 9, my pregnancy symptoms began to come and go. Therefore, I had reservations about my pregnancy for several weeks before I had any "diagnosis." Our baby stopped growing and died around week 6 so why did it take another 5 weeks for my body to recognize that? That is a question that I asked God the other day. His answer to me was why His timing of my miscarriage was the perfect timing. Here's several reasons why:<br />
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1) My family had actually been going through another very painful situation a couple of weeks prior to our miscarriage. I started a Bible study by Aprile Sweers on the life of Joseph and what it means to live in the shelter of a sovereign God. I really thought that what I would learn would apply to the situation our family was already going through. I was completely unaware of what I really think it was intended for. It was on the Wednesday of the second week of the study that we found out our baby was no longer alive. It was a HUGE blow, but I had God's Word to shelter me. Week 2 was even more encouraging. I wish I could adequately put into words how much I feel like this Bible study is God's unfailing compassion wrapped up like a present for me. It has been a balm to my aching heart. I would not have been as emotionally & spiritually equipped to handle our loss if I wasn't presently marinating in the very subject that God was making us live through. There are several verses that have ministered to me:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (2 Corinthians 4:17-18)</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." (John 15:2)</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"These have come so that your faith-of greater worth than gold-may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed" (1 Peter 1:7)</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"Now if we are children, then we are heirs-heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." (Romans 8:17-18) </blockquote>
And probably one of my favorites:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;...Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love." (Lamentations 3: 21-25, 33)</blockquote>
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The one truth that I am really holding tight to right now is that God is going to do something great for His name because of our pain. My desire is that not only is he currently planting seeds in our hearts, but in so many more so that out of those seeds of grief, we would become more fruitful witnesses for Christ. I want this pruning to be purposeful beyond our grief. <br />
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2) God's compassion was shown in His perfect timing because George had the week off to work on our rental house. He was able to go with me to the doctor's appointment so I wouldn't be alone. We really weren't anticipating bad news, but I am so grateful I wasn't there to receive it alone. <br />
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3) The doctor who delivered the bad news was the same one who delivered Hannah and Kate. He literally saved their lives and is the most compassionate doctor I have ever met. I was scheduled with him and he grieved the loss with us. It was also him that was able to do the surgery at such short notice. We couldn't have asked for a better doctor to walk through that with us.<br />
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4) Just two weeks prior to our miscarriage, I found out that our neighbors' daughter had also miscarried. I had thought about wanting to write her a letter, but I didn't. With very fresh grief over our loss, I decided that that was enough motivation to share God's comfort with someone that I'm not sure even believes in God. I have never met this woman and I don't even know her name, but I wrote a letter and gave her a book on knowing for sure that our babies are in heaven with Jesus. I'm not sure what God will do in her heart, but I want to make the most of every opportunity to comfort those with the comfort I have received. (2 Corinthians 1:4).<br />
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I don't know what the Lord's plans are for our future as far as growing our family. I try not to dwell on that as I don't want to enter a season of discontentment as we wait. God has us where we are now and I can already begin to see tiny buds of the fruit that He is already growing out of our loss. <br />
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I would highly encourage you (especially you ladies) to at least watch the videos of Aprile's lessons. I promise that you will be blessed by them. You may not currently be walking through any trials, but when you do, I think that you will be so glad that you have a foundation for the truth of God's sovereignty over any situation in your life. Her website is <a href="http://www.aprilesweers.com/fall-study-resources/" target="_blank">www.aprilesweers.com/fall-study-resources/</a> . <br />
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Thank you for allowing me to share what God is doing in our lives. It provides me with comfort to know that a baby that I will never meet this side of heaven has touched so many lives. God does have a purpose for each child He creates. Until I get there, my sweet baby is resting in the arms of my Savior and there is not a more peaceful, perfect place for him or her to be.<br />
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Please keep praying for us. It provides us with strength to know that you are going to the throne of grace on our behalf.Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16573372921278898660noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-533604187341670776.post-4119802578377576912013-09-19T09:38:00.001-04:002013-09-19T09:46:19.585-04:00TodayToday...<br />
<br />
...I'm being honest & transparent.<br />
<br />
...I'm not asking for pity, but just giving a glimpse to those who have never experienced a miscarriage what I'm feeling today. A LOT of people have asked me, will ask me, or maybe want to ask me but just don't know how to do it in the right way, "How are you?" I have become good at a simple, concise answer, "I'm okay, fine, good, etc." And that may be the absolute truth in the moment you are asking me, but what I say usually differs from what I mean. "I'm (my heart is breaking & I'm not quite sure how to grieve the death of a baby I never got to meet, I'm tired, I can recall exactly how many weeks I should be, but I am so appreciative that you took the time to ask & not ignore the elephant in the room, please don't pay any attention to the tears that might start pouring down my face because I've been faithfully wearing waterproof mascara, know that I will be) okay." <br />
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...is the day that I would have been 12 weeks pregnant and so close to the end of the dreaded first trimester. You see, for a mom who has experienced a miscarriage, the first trimester is full of anxiety, fear of letting yourself get attached to a baby that might not ever be, and struggling with knowing that that baby is purposefully created by God so I just need to trust God. It's full of extra trips to the bathroom to make sure there is no blood (sorry if that is too much information, but it's reality) and then having your world crumble in the instant that there is.<br />
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...marks almost a week that I found out that my baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks, no longer had a heartbeat, and would have to be surgically removed from my body.<br />
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...I wonder how my body can physically return to a pre-pregnancy normal so quickly, while I am still constantly reminding my heart & mind that I no longer have to operate under the restrictions of pregnancy.<br />
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...I woke up with the thoughts that we went one step forward (getting pregnant) to only fall bloodied & bruised three steps backwards. <br />
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...I thought I would wake up a little stronger than I was yesterday because I had what I would consider to be two "emotionally strong" days. It's not starting out that way.<br />
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...I look at my beautiful daughters and know that they need me to be strong for them and that they want me to play with them. I am grateful to my core over the privilege of being their mom.<br />
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...I feel like simple tasks (grocery store, laundry, etc.) seem overwhelming. It makes me want to just crawl back into bed. I am also grateful for these tasks though as they remind me that I have a lot to be thankful for and they are a welcome distraction.<br />
<br />
...I'm not only hurting for myself, but also for two precious friends & their family as they endure the waiting of a 7 hour open heart surgery on their 2 day old newborn son.<br />
<br />
...I am resting in the sweet promises of God's Word that, <i>"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." </i>(Lamentations 3:22-24)<br />
<br />
...I am asking for your prayers that God would not waste our pain, but that we would allow Him to turn it into a seedbed for His glory. That His pruning in our lives would serve to produce more fruit (John 15:2).<br />
<br />
...I know that I am surrounded by people who love me, who have practically shown their love, and a God who is intimately involved in the details of my life, but I am faced with the reality that I live in a fallen world. (John 16:33)<br />
<br />
...I had planned to sit down & write to tell you of how I have seen God's hand in the midst of our pain & how His compassion has proved unfailing. And I do have some exciting things to share with you, but that may come...<br />
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TOMORROW.Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16573372921278898660noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-533604187341670776.post-44040976817683609132012-11-29T09:28:00.001-05:002012-11-29T09:28:43.358-05:00Thanksgiving<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
So I apparently ran out of free photo storage on my blog, but not video. I'll decide what to do over the next couple of days and get our recent pictures up soon. In the meantime, enjoy Hannah and Kate's Thanksgiving song from preschool. </div>
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Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16573372921278898660noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-533604187341670776.post-62955687356028437732012-11-19T10:55:00.002-05:002012-11-19T10:55:25.115-05:00Hannah & Kate's Choir PerformanceHannah and Kate have been going to the church's preschool choir on Wednesday nights. They were just old enough this year to start. They had their first performance at our last Wednesday night service. They were SO excited to be singing on stage and I think they had the biggest fan club there! Here is a snippet of it!<br />
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Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16573372921278898660noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-533604187341670776.post-87355337889994032152012-11-15T11:40:00.002-05:002012-11-15T11:40:59.328-05:00My Own ThoughtsI know that everyone has their own two cents to add about either their disappointment or enthusiasm with how the election turned out. Since most of you probably know my political views anyway, I won't bother hiding the fact that I certainly didn't come out a winner last Tuesday night. A lot has been said since then and much bigger scandals have come into the news as to overshadow what seems to have happened months ago, but really only happened ten days ago.<br />
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I was reading Deuteronomy 32 in my time with the Lord this morning. It was about how the Lord chose His people as His inheritance, but as Israel rebelled against God, He chose to use other ungodly nations to punish them. Those nations thought that they had secured the ultimate victory and that their god was behind their triumph. However, God reminds the Israelites that while He might use their enemies to bring them to repentance, their enemies would certainly not have the final victory.<br />
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While we might be disappointed as Christ followers in the moral and spiritual direction our country is headed, I think it's so important to remember that while our "enemies" (really the devil) may have had a short-term victory, the Lord will ultimately take vengeance. We will have victory. Victory comes in the resurrection of Jesus Christ and for those who have chosen to follow Him, our victory is for ETERNITY! Their victory is temporary.<br />
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<em>"...that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures...(1 Cor.15:3-4)...Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain." (1Cor. 15:58)</em>Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16573372921278898660noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-533604187341670776.post-58396635389132837632012-11-08T20:46:00.003-05:002012-11-08T20:47:08.959-05:00NICU Reunion<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Hannah, Kate, and I attended the annual NICU reunion. The girls had a blast playing all the games and doing the crafts. It was also a great time to see some of the families we have ministered to and meet some new ones, too. Hannah and Kate also spotted one of their classmates from preschool and I was able to meet their family. Neither of us had any idea that we had a NICU connection. I'm pretty sure that was a divine appointment.</div>
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At the reunion we got to do a lot of advertising for our new NICU support group at the hospital. We had our first meeting this past Tuesday night. A couple from the reunion, a friend whose baby was also in the NICU, a NICU nurse, George, and I all attended. We had a great time talking about our experiences and just getting to know one another. We are set to meet the first and third Tuesday of every month with the full support of Brandon Hospital (where H & K were born). </div>
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I have been baby-sitting a 2.5 month old little boy this past week and Reagan is so jealous of all of the baby"stuff" he gets to enjoy. Here's a picture of her enjoying it, too! <br />
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Laurenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16573372921278898660noreply@blogger.com0