"Grief is not something you get over; you get through it."
The above is a quote from Pastor Rick Warren from yesterday's "Parade" in the newspaper. Those words perfectly describe my heart right now. I have really been struggling lately with how to put my emotions into words and how to deal with the fact that I am still very much hurting. That quote hit the nail on the head. There were many times over the past couple of weeks where I found myself in tears and I just kept thinking, "Lauren, shouldn't you be over this by now? It's been 2.5 months." I know that is expecting a lot of myself and the reality is that I lost a baby. I may have stopped counting how many weeks I would've been, but I'm fully aware that I would know if we were having a boy or girl.
Maybe I could get over it if I hid in a closet and refused to come out. I am reminded a hundred times a day of my loss. It could be something as simple as planning a family vacation around our first baby's original due date, hanging out with a friend who is pregnant, seeing maternity clothes advertised in the newspaper, looking at my non-bump waistline, reading about another's miscarriage, etc. None of those are anyone's fault; it's life.
I guess the quote just made me feel normal for still feeling immense hurt over losing our baby. Our bible fellowship class talked about what it means to die to self so that we live for Christ. My answer right now is simply getting up and not giving in to the temptation to quit trusting God. It's clinging to the truth that even though I don't feel or see the good in all of this, it's there and He's there. It's fixing my eyes on the unseen because those are the things that are eternal. (2 Cor. 4:17)
I hesitated whether or not to even write this post because there might be some of you that think I'm simply dwelling in the hurt and need to move on. I'm not. I'm still getting through it. I don't know how long it will take. I at least have the hope of knowing I can carry healthy babies to term. And I thought that that reality would somehow bring me more comfort than it does. I actually am quite fearful of what happens the next time I'm pregnant. In all honesty, I really don't want to live through this grief again. It doesn't get any easier the more you have.
I also hesitated to share this because I have a couple of precious friends who are pregnant and are experiencing normal, healthy pregnancies and I NEVER want to make them feel guilty for our loss or make them feel like I'm not happy for them. They are godly women who have been very compassionate towards me over the past several months and I appreciate them showing me mercy when their good news is a reminder of my heartache. I have been very much wrestling with coming to peace over the fact that God's plan for our family is different than His plan for their. And that's my struggle to bear, as I'm just not there yet.
The good thing is that I am living through it and that's only because of the Lord's strength and compassion towards me. Thank you for letting me be honest with you this morning and for allowing me to continue to share our story as I have faith that He's still got a lot to write.
Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
Monday, December 2, 2013
Friday, October 25, 2013
I See You
A friend & former NICU parent posted an article today on Facebook that really hit home with me in our current circumstances and got me thinking. The article was by a NICU nurse who commends NICU parents for their day in and day out sacrifices. She encourages the parents by saying that she sees them. Her article repeats over and over again, "I see you."
Invisibility is a characteristic I have come to know intimately over the years. I'm not saying that I feel alone and trying to elicit sympathy. Not at all. I think at some point in their lives, everyone feels invisible. Even if what we are going through (divorce, loss of a family member, a move, etc.) is very public, it doesn't take long for everyone else to move on with their own lives while your own life is stuck on PAUSE. God ordains these seasons so that we can draw near to Him. He is ultimately supposed to be ENOUGH for us. Sometimes He may have to distance us from the people or things that we stuff into our lives to make us feel full for us to realize that they are just a substitute for Him and His sufficiency.
God tells us in 2 Cor. 1:3-4 that one of the reasons He comforts us is so that we can comfort others in their troubles with the same comfort we have received. Let's stop hoarding the comfort we have received and give it away. Start seeing people. Sometimes that may mean getting out of our Christian comfort zone, seeing past the sin, and choosing instead to look at them through the compassion of our Savior. It's easy to see people when a devastation has just occurred. The harder thing is to sustain that vision of them throughout a long trial or throughout their long season of grieving.
Trust me, I am in NO way writing this to condemn. I'm really thinking out loud and mainly preaching to myself. I am just as guilty as the next person of becoming too involved in my own life that I stop seeing people. God has allowed very difficult things in my life (infertility, NICU, miscarriages) though that have given me new eyes for these precious people walking through those circumstances. We have obediently answered the call to minister to NICU families and I can't tell you the immense blessing that it has been.
My mind has dwelt a lot on some words that John Piper preached in a song that I posted recently. The song (Though You Slay Me by Shane & Shane) itself is beautiful. He said, "Not only is all your affliction light...but all of it is totally meaningful (emphasis mine). Every millisecond of your pain...it's not meaningless."
The worst thing that I could ever do to make my babies' death in vain is to selfishly hoard the comfort I have received. Let's start making our suffering meaningful and purposeful by seeing people. Yes, it might take some sacrifice on our behalf to drop an activity or two, but I think it's worth it when we consider the sacrifice Jesus Christ made on our behalf to see us in our sinfulness and die to save us from our sin.
Invisibility is a characteristic I have come to know intimately over the years. I'm not saying that I feel alone and trying to elicit sympathy. Not at all. I think at some point in their lives, everyone feels invisible. Even if what we are going through (divorce, loss of a family member, a move, etc.) is very public, it doesn't take long for everyone else to move on with their own lives while your own life is stuck on PAUSE. God ordains these seasons so that we can draw near to Him. He is ultimately supposed to be ENOUGH for us. Sometimes He may have to distance us from the people or things that we stuff into our lives to make us feel full for us to realize that they are just a substitute for Him and His sufficiency.
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Cor. 12:9)The lesson that I guess that I take away from the article is not to wallow in those seasons in which I feel invisible, but to recognize the invisible. People need to know that they are seen. God uses the church, not the physical structure, but the body of believers to make Himself known. There are numerous examples of where Jesus went out of His way (sometimes literally...John 4-the Samaritan woman at the well) to SEE people and minister to them. John 4, 5, 9, 11 are just some examples.
God tells us in 2 Cor. 1:3-4 that one of the reasons He comforts us is so that we can comfort others in their troubles with the same comfort we have received. Let's stop hoarding the comfort we have received and give it away. Start seeing people. Sometimes that may mean getting out of our Christian comfort zone, seeing past the sin, and choosing instead to look at them through the compassion of our Savior. It's easy to see people when a devastation has just occurred. The harder thing is to sustain that vision of them throughout a long trial or throughout their long season of grieving.
Trust me, I am in NO way writing this to condemn. I'm really thinking out loud and mainly preaching to myself. I am just as guilty as the next person of becoming too involved in my own life that I stop seeing people. God has allowed very difficult things in my life (infertility, NICU, miscarriages) though that have given me new eyes for these precious people walking through those circumstances. We have obediently answered the call to minister to NICU families and I can't tell you the immense blessing that it has been.
My mind has dwelt a lot on some words that John Piper preached in a song that I posted recently. The song (Though You Slay Me by Shane & Shane) itself is beautiful. He said, "Not only is all your affliction light...but all of it is totally meaningful (emphasis mine). Every millisecond of your pain...it's not meaningless."
The worst thing that I could ever do to make my babies' death in vain is to selfishly hoard the comfort I have received. Let's start making our suffering meaningful and purposeful by seeing people. Yes, it might take some sacrifice on our behalf to drop an activity or two, but I think it's worth it when we consider the sacrifice Jesus Christ made on our behalf to see us in our sinfulness and die to save us from our sin.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Fixing My Eyes on the Unseen
"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." ~2 Cor. 4:17-18
At this very moment, my heart is bursting with the comfort of Jesus through this verse. I have to admit though that I am conflicted with the first part of this verse. How is losing a baby (much less 2) considered light and momentary? Really? Because having your heart broken into a thousand pieces and your hopes dashed in an instant, doesn't really feel light and momentary.
Here's the key though. If all I am is focused on the present, then yeah, those things feel like the weight of the entire world rests on my chest. But if I can train my mind to focus on the eternal plan of God Almighty, then it is light and momentary. That doesn't mean that I don't feel the pain from the top of my head to the very tips of toes. It means that I know that God is doing something in my future that I can't see yet. I may not ever see it until Heaven. But if the hurt is so great here, it has to mean that the glory is infinitely times better there.
And I can't see the ripple effect that my baby's death had on everyone around me. I've had a couple of opportunities to share the gospel with precious women who are grieving the same thing I am. I've "seen" the way that God has used my pain to comfort other women who have or are going through the same thing. But God is doing so much more eternal work that isn't seen.
So I have to hold onto the deep truth of this verse because otherwise my grief will outweigh the glory.
Lord, fix my eyes on the unseen. Fix my eyes on you. Don't let me get caught up in placing my confidence in my present circumstances. Give me eyes to see your glory and give me the eternal perspective to consider my suffering light and momentary. I love you.
At this very moment, my heart is bursting with the comfort of Jesus through this verse. I have to admit though that I am conflicted with the first part of this verse. How is losing a baby (much less 2) considered light and momentary? Really? Because having your heart broken into a thousand pieces and your hopes dashed in an instant, doesn't really feel light and momentary.
Here's the key though. If all I am is focused on the present, then yeah, those things feel like the weight of the entire world rests on my chest. But if I can train my mind to focus on the eternal plan of God Almighty, then it is light and momentary. That doesn't mean that I don't feel the pain from the top of my head to the very tips of toes. It means that I know that God is doing something in my future that I can't see yet. I may not ever see it until Heaven. But if the hurt is so great here, it has to mean that the glory is infinitely times better there.
And I can't see the ripple effect that my baby's death had on everyone around me. I've had a couple of opportunities to share the gospel with precious women who are grieving the same thing I am. I've "seen" the way that God has used my pain to comfort other women who have or are going through the same thing. But God is doing so much more eternal work that isn't seen.
So I have to hold onto the deep truth of this verse because otherwise my grief will outweigh the glory.
Lord, fix my eyes on the unseen. Fix my eyes on you. Don't let me get caught up in placing my confidence in my present circumstances. Give me eyes to see your glory and give me the eternal perspective to consider my suffering light and momentary. I love you.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Love & The Outcome - He Is With Us
A lot of the songs I've posted recently make me sing a song of surrender in tears, but this one makes me want to sing a song of surrender through dancing & shouting! I love this song! Hope you do, too.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
To My Fully Restored & Perfected Babies,
Today might be the official day to remember you, but know that your mommy thinks about you everyday. While some of the wounds of losing you have healed, it feels like many of them were so recently ripped open. I miss you like crazy, but I know that you are whole in the Lord's presence. While I have to be honest and admit that there are completely selfish parts of me that just wanted you to stay here with us, I can find peace in knowing that you are with my Savior and your Creator. You do not share my hurt and my pain because there is no pain where you are. You know the full joy of Jesus and I am jealous. I wish that losing you didn't tear me to pieces like it did. Jesus has a reason for my pain though. Maybe you already know why. Maybe God has given you a glimpse of what He's doing to reveal His glory through your short life. I never even imagined that I would have my some of my babies in heaven to greet me. It's not something that any mommy wants to happen.
The greatest blessing I have as your mommy is knowing that God used you. God has used you to draw me near to Him and know Him as a sovereign God who is intimately involved in my life. He used you to prepare me for the difficulty of having twins and their struggle in the early months of their life. He has used you to soften my heart towards countless women and families as they also walk journeys of losing their babies. He used you to produce hope in my heart and to share it with other women. While you are already conformed to the image of Christ, He still has a lot of work to do on mommy.
Some people may think that your short life was a waste of time and that my tears for you are silly because I never got to meet you or know you. However, because of you, I know my God in ways that other people don't. You were perfect gifts from God at the perfect time in the perfect way. Your death was not a punishment to you or me or your father, but a sign that God still loves us because those He loves, He disciplines and refines. I can't say that I very much like the process, but I do love Him and I trust Him.
So go run, leap, dance before the throne of Jesus. I love you.
Your Mommy
Today might be the official day to remember you, but know that your mommy thinks about you everyday. While some of the wounds of losing you have healed, it feels like many of them were so recently ripped open. I miss you like crazy, but I know that you are whole in the Lord's presence. While I have to be honest and admit that there are completely selfish parts of me that just wanted you to stay here with us, I can find peace in knowing that you are with my Savior and your Creator. You do not share my hurt and my pain because there is no pain where you are. You know the full joy of Jesus and I am jealous. I wish that losing you didn't tear me to pieces like it did. Jesus has a reason for my pain though. Maybe you already know why. Maybe God has given you a glimpse of what He's doing to reveal His glory through your short life. I never even imagined that I would have my some of my babies in heaven to greet me. It's not something that any mommy wants to happen.
The greatest blessing I have as your mommy is knowing that God used you. God has used you to draw me near to Him and know Him as a sovereign God who is intimately involved in my life. He used you to prepare me for the difficulty of having twins and their struggle in the early months of their life. He has used you to soften my heart towards countless women and families as they also walk journeys of losing their babies. He used you to produce hope in my heart and to share it with other women. While you are already conformed to the image of Christ, He still has a lot of work to do on mommy.
Some people may think that your short life was a waste of time and that my tears for you are silly because I never got to meet you or know you. However, because of you, I know my God in ways that other people don't. You were perfect gifts from God at the perfect time in the perfect way. Your death was not a punishment to you or me or your father, but a sign that God still loves us because those He loves, He disciplines and refines. I can't say that I very much like the process, but I do love Him and I trust Him.
So go run, leap, dance before the throne of Jesus. I love you.
Your Mommy
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)