"Grief is not something you get over; you get through it."
The above is a quote from Pastor Rick Warren from yesterday's "Parade" in the newspaper. Those words perfectly describe my heart right now. I have really been struggling lately with how to put my emotions into words and how to deal with the fact that I am still very much hurting. That quote hit the nail on the head. There were many times over the past couple of weeks where I found myself in tears and I just kept thinking, "Lauren, shouldn't you be over this by now? It's been 2.5 months." I know that is expecting a lot of myself and the reality is that I lost a baby. I may have stopped counting how many weeks I would've been, but I'm fully aware that I would know if we were having a boy or girl.
Maybe I could get over it if I hid in a closet and refused to come out. I am reminded a hundred times a day of my loss. It could be something as simple as planning a family vacation around our first baby's original due date, hanging out with a friend who is pregnant, seeing maternity clothes advertised in the newspaper, looking at my non-bump waistline, reading about another's miscarriage, etc. None of those are anyone's fault; it's life.
I guess the quote just made me feel normal for still feeling immense hurt over losing our baby. Our bible fellowship class talked about what it means to die to self so that we live for Christ. My answer right now is simply getting up and not giving in to the temptation to quit trusting God. It's clinging to the truth that even though I don't feel or see the good in all of this, it's there and He's there. It's fixing my eyes on the unseen because those are the things that are eternal. (2 Cor. 4:17)
I hesitated whether or not to even write this post because there might be some of you that think I'm simply dwelling in the hurt and need to move on. I'm not. I'm still getting through it. I don't know how long it will take. I at least have the hope of knowing I can carry healthy babies to term. And I thought that that reality would somehow bring me more comfort than it does. I actually am quite fearful of what happens the next time I'm pregnant. In all honesty, I really don't want to live through this grief again. It doesn't get any easier the more you have.
I also hesitated to share this because I have a couple of precious friends who are pregnant and are experiencing normal, healthy pregnancies and I NEVER want to make them feel guilty for our loss or make them feel like I'm not happy for them. They are godly women who have been very compassionate towards me over the past several months and I appreciate them showing me mercy when their good news is a reminder of my heartache. I have been very much wrestling with coming to peace over the fact that God's plan for our family is different than His plan for their. And that's my struggle to bear, as I'm just not there yet.
The good thing is that I am living through it and that's only because of the Lord's strength and compassion towards me. Thank you for letting me be honest with you this morning and for allowing me to continue to share our story as I have faith that He's still got a lot to write.