Lilypie Second Birthday tickers

Lilypie Second Birthday tickers

Saturday, February 8, 2014

I Didn't Sign Up for This

I Didn't Sign up for This:

1) I didn't sign up for all of the "what-ifs" coming true.  What if I lose the baby?  What if my baby isn't completely healthy?  What if my baby doesn't go full-term?  What if...?

2) I didn't sign up to never hear my baby's heartbeat.  I NEVER got to hear my baby's heartbeat...not once.  I NEVER got to see a picture of my baby.  I couldn't bring myself to look at the ultrasound screen during the one & only ultrasound we ever got because I knew by the tech's reaction that my baby was not alive.  I really did want a picture.  I just wanted to see proof that there was a baby growing inside of me.  That I hadn't somehow concocted this crazy story and am now feeling an incredible pain just for the heck of it.  But when the time came to ask the doctor for a picture, I couldn't bring myself to do it.  The only proof I have is a pregnancy test and my sweet doctor telling me that he saw my baby.  

3) I didn't sign up to lose my baby (twice).  Unless you have been through it, there is no imagining the depth of pain you feel after losing a baby.  I wanted to hold my baby here, not wait until I get to heaven.  

4) I didn't sign up for the shame that I feel because I am still (months later) grieving a baby that I never got to hold.  I feel like I should have more trust & hope because I know that my God is sovereign & for me, but again, the depth of hurt that I feel is lingering longer than I hoped it would.  It has revealed the sin of jealousy in my life.  I fight a lot of things on a daily basis because I feel like I should have it more together.  I put on a great mask sometimes and there are days when I feel like such a fraud for even wearing a smile on my face.

5) I didn't sign up to be the "elephant in the room."  I'm the one that people avoid talking baby or pregnancy stuff around.  

6) I didn't sign up to have my babies early and watch them through an incubator wall for the first several weeks of their life.

In reality, I did sign up for the possibility of all of the above, but just not the reality of it.

I Signed up for This:
1) A healthy, full-term baby that I could cuddle to my chest and nurse and take home from the hospital
2) The aches & pains of a growing belly
3) The stretch marks
4) The weight gain
5) The exhaustion & the nausea

For those women who got what they signed up grateful.  I am not in any way rebuking anyone, but just a simple reminder of how BLESSED you are.  It's really hard on women who are experiencing infertility, have lost a baby, or who have had a preemie to hear others complain about their pregnancies.  Many of us wish we had your problems.  I have had ONE pregnancy out of 4 go normally.  One pregnancy that I can say, "Yeah, this one actually went right."  I am so grateful beyond words that God gave me the gift of my normal pregnancy and a beautiful VBAC delivery with Reagan.  I wouldn't have changed a thing about my pregnancy with her.  I feel the full weight of that gift when I think about my own losses and others' losses as well. 

I have been somewhat "hiding" my hurt lately.  Although, my sweet mom and husband have been so gracious to love me through the past couple of weeks & bear the brunt of my tears.       

You can obviously tell that I am still very much working through my grief.  I want to leave you with another list of things I signed up for.  One that will hopefully help you to know that I didn't write this to target anyone specifically.  I wrote it to vent, let other women who have experienced miscarriage know they aren't alone, and to remind myself of His promises.  Isn't that exactly what David does in the Psalms? 

I Also Signed up for This: 

1) I signed up to trust Him no matter what He allowed in my life.
     "When I am afraid, I will trust in you."  ~Psalm 56:3
2) I signed up to share in His sufferings just as I share in His glory.
     "Now if we are children then we are heirs-heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we            share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory."  ~Romans 8:17 
3) I signed up to wait on Him.
     "I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."  ~Lamentations 3:24
4) I signed up for new mercies.
     "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are        new every morning; great is your faithfulness."  ~Lamentations 3:22-23
5) I signed up for compassion & unfailing love.
    "Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love." 
          ~Lamentations 3:32
6) I signed up to show comfort to others with the same comfort I have been shown.
    "...who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the                  comfort we ourselves have received from Christ."    ~2 Corinthians 1:4
7) I signed up to be restored.
   "And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast."  ~ 1 Peter 5:10

The list really could go on & on, but I have a daughter who is sitting at my feet begging me to take a bath.  I couldn't bear the burden of what I didn't sign up for without a Savior to walk with me through every step, to catch every tear, and to shower upon me an unfailing love that I in no way deserve.  He will continue to be my song and my portion until my heart is healed.

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