I've been thinking for about the last month, how or even if I would mention why April 3rd has made such an impact on my life. To most of you & before nine months ago, April 3rd is just another day. However, April 3rd is a date that has been tucked away in my brain the moment that I was given my due date. I can tell you the exact due dates of all of my kids. In fact, I have to think twice about Reagan's birthday because I always confuse it with her due date.
Needless to say, I need no reminding on this one. Even if I wanted to forget, the two mail advertisements for birth announcements that came today, would be a blazing reminder that I should have happy news to share this week and not...NOTHING.
It crosses my mind a hundred times a day and probably has even more as I have gotten closer to my due date. The first time I miscarried before Hannah and Kate, I got pregnant within a couple of months afterwards. I had a very high risk multiples pregnancy to distract me on my first baby's due date and they were actually only born about 6 weeks later, although they were supposed to be 3 months apart. It was extremely hard to listen to the baby chime at Brandon Hospital last night.
I really thought & hoped that I would have been pregnant by now. It's been six months since we lost our baby and while we're never the couple that gets pregnant easily (and, no, I don't need tips on increasing fertility...we know what we're doing), I was supposed to be more fertile after miscarrying. So you know what I've had to do? Surrender.
Oh, it's incredibly hard, especially when almost everyone around you gets pregnant just by looking at their spouse (all said in love...I wish that was us). God has placed some scripture on my heart though that I repeat out loud to myself quite often and it's one of my favorite verses for any situation:
"I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore, I will wait for him.'" ~Lamentations 3:24
If there's anything I've learned about pregnancy & babies, it's that He is in complete control and there is nothing above & beyond the birds & the bees that I can do to make it happen. He creates when He wants to and He creates how many He wants to. (John 1:3)
Yes, my heart is definitely still hurting & grieving. I can say with certainty though that God has been preparing me for this day over the last several weeks. His Word has brought me tremendous comfort as I have to contend with Him over the whys.
My intention of this post is not to complain, but simply to remember the baby that I should be holding in my arms right now and to share with you one treasure that I feel the Lord has given to me in the last couple of weeks.
"Now if we are children, then we are heirs-heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory." ~Romans 8:17
The thing that came to mind when I read this was that by definition an heir has an inheritance. So I am called to not only suffer with Christ, but also receive my inheritance with Him. My suffering has produced an inheritance that I will not receive until I get to Heaven. But that inheritance is a precious child(ren). I'm going to have two children waiting for me when I get to Heaven. That makes it worthwhile. That gives my suffering a purpose.
Tomorrow, I'll share a song that has also really encouraged me and I hope will be a blessing to some of you all as well. Thank you to all of my family & friends who have shown me grace, continued to pray for us, and for just taking the time to listen.