...I'm being honest & transparent.
...I'm not asking for pity, but just giving a glimpse to those who have never experienced a miscarriage what I'm feeling today. A LOT of people have asked me, will ask me, or maybe want to ask me but just don't know how to do it in the right way, "How are you?" I have become good at a simple, concise answer, "I'm okay, fine, good, etc." And that may be the absolute truth in the moment you are asking me, but what I say usually differs from what I mean. "I'm (my heart is breaking & I'm not quite sure how to grieve the death of a baby I never got to meet, I'm tired, I can recall exactly how many weeks I should be, but I am so appreciative that you took the time to ask & not ignore the elephant in the room, please don't pay any attention to the tears that might start pouring down my face because I've been faithfully wearing waterproof mascara, know that I will be) okay."
...is the day that I would have been 12 weeks pregnant and so close to the end of the dreaded first trimester. You see, for a mom who has experienced a miscarriage, the first trimester is full of anxiety, fear of letting yourself get attached to a baby that might not ever be, and struggling with knowing that that baby is purposefully created by God so I just need to trust God. It's full of extra trips to the bathroom to make sure there is no blood (sorry if that is too much information, but it's reality) and then having your world crumble in the instant that there is.
...marks almost a week that I found out that my baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks, no longer had a heartbeat, and would have to be surgically removed from my body.
...I wonder how my body can physically return to a pre-pregnancy normal so quickly, while I am still constantly reminding my heart & mind that I no longer have to operate under the restrictions of pregnancy.
...I woke up with the thoughts that we went one step forward (getting pregnant) to only fall bloodied & bruised three steps backwards.
...I thought I would wake up a little stronger than I was yesterday because I had what I would consider to be two "emotionally strong" days. It's not starting out that way.
...I look at my beautiful daughters and know that they need me to be strong for them and that they want me to play with them. I am grateful to my core over the privilege of being their mom.
...I feel like simple tasks (grocery store, laundry, etc.) seem overwhelming. It makes me want to just crawl back into bed. I am also grateful for these tasks though as they remind me that I have a lot to be thankful for and they are a welcome distraction.
...I'm not only hurting for myself, but also for two precious friends & their family as they endure the waiting of a 7 hour open heart surgery on their 2 day old newborn son.
...I am resting in the sweet promises of God's Word that, "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." (Lamentations 3:22-24)
...I am asking for your prayers that God would not waste our pain, but that we would allow Him to turn it into a seedbed for His glory. That His pruning in our lives would serve to produce more fruit (John 15:2).
...I know that I am surrounded by people who love me, who have practically shown their love, and a God who is intimately involved in the details of my life, but I am faced with the reality that I live in a fallen world. (John 16:33)
...I had planned to sit down & write to tell you of how I have seen God's hand in the midst of our pain & how His compassion has proved unfailing. And I do have some exciting things to share with you, but that may come...