Tonight

Tonight, I miss my baby.  I have had several good days, but something (won't say what exactly because some of you may think it's too personal...just the absence of a certain pregnancy symptom) brought me face-to-face with our reality again.  And I simply miss my baby.  There are those certain symptoms that all of a sudden disappear, but you have been used to them for the last several weeks.  In fact, those symptoms have somewhat been of great comfort because it meant a healthy (or so you thought) pregnancy and a healthy baby.  And without those, it's just a daily reminder of what I've lost.  

You know, I even thought tonight, how foolish I was.  How did I allow myself to be fooled into thinking that I had a healthy baby inside of me.  Shouldn't I have instinctively known somehow that something wasn't right?  I thought how foolish I must look to other people now because all of those symptoms that were still very real even though my baby was already gone.  I know in my mind how stupid that is because there are so many uncontrollable hormones at work inside my body and I even met with my OB after my baby had already died (didn't know that at the time though) and he seemed to think everything was also fine.

Some people may think that these are very random thoughts to share, but I have been so encouraged by many precious women who have told me that they are so glad that I'm sharing because I'm putting voice to the "suffer in silence" grief that so often comes with the death of an unborn baby.  I think that we (myself included) expect people to quickly get over a miscarriage because it was a baby that we never even met and there's just not that same bond that a mother has when she's actually held & nurtured that baby.  I think, in certain ways, it's just as hard to mourn someone that you never even knew or got the chance to love.  You simply have to trust that the Lord's plans for your child's life were higher than your own.  So tonight, I will rest in Isaiah 55:8-9:

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.  As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." 

Thank you so much for those who are praying me through the hard days.  You have several "good days" and then you are smacked right in the gut with the feeling of a deep longing for your baby.  And there is no other way to say it than it just simply hurts.  I appreciate those of you that have willingly boarded this emotional rollercoaster with us and have decided to keep going around until God has healed our pain.