It's Not Meaningless

Not much to say today, but just wanted to share another song with you.  Yes, I wept through it.  For a couple of reasons:

1) God is still worthy of my worship, praise, and adoration even when His plans are not my plans.  Sometimes that worship comes through the simple tears of surrender.

2) I love when John Piper says that every millisecond of my pain is meaningful, especially when it comes out of an obedient heart.  It would be so easy to walk away out of anger & jealousy because it is a fight to keep believing out of obedience.  Do I always feel like trusting God?  No.  There are some days I do it simply because I make a choice to.  When I hear that someone else is pregnant with a healthy, growing baby...do I let myself be overcome with jealousy & anger?  I could, but I fight not to.  God has been so gracious to me to write scripture upon my heart that has guarded me from getting entangled in those sins.   I love that He will honor my obedience even when it's done through tears of pain, a willing heart, and not just when I feel like it.

Don't Stop Believin'

I believe it was the very first week that I began the Bible study on Joseph that Aprile mentioned that God performed no miracles (acts that defy the laws of nature and are unexplainable) in Joseph's story.  However, He chose to work through everyday, ordinary circumstances.  I have been holding so tightly to that truth because I can CLEARLY see how God has had His hand in the everyday details of my life.  From seeing the right doctor to already being in a Bible study that would bring exactly the right truths to soothe my grief.  As I sit here and write this, I am overwhelmed with God's goodness.  Yes, I hurt and my pain is still very real, especially as I think about a precious sister in Christ who is facing her own uncertainty about her baby.  But I know that deep within the pit of my hurt, God is deeper still (Thank you, Aprile).

Yesterday, in our Bible fellowship class, we discussed the story of a Roman royal official who was seeking Jesus's healing of his sick son.  The story is found in John 4:43-54.  The verse that stuck out to me the most was Jesus's reply in 4:48,

"Unless you people see miraculous signs and wonders," Jesus told him, "you will never believe." 

I have always just taken that verse to mean that Jesus was chastising the Jewish officials because they refused to believe without miracles & wonders.  That's partly right, but having been through and still walking through this trial, I see more to it.  I see Jesus also encouraging us to see His faithfulness and Hand in my everydays.

God chose not to sustain our baby's life.  And as I told Hannah and Kate last night when they repeatedly asked me why Jesus didn't keep our baby alive, I don't know have an answer as to why.  I may never know the grand scope of His plan, but I see bits & pieces of it.  I see it through my own refinement process and through the blessing of encouraging other women going through the same pain.  If God had given us that miracle and saved our baby, I would have not seen the BEAUTY (and if His faithfulness is that beautiful here, imagine what it will be like when we come face to face with it) of His intimate involvement in my daily walk with Him.

So, I'm not sure the true, genuine, lasting belief comes through the big miraculous signs and wonders.  It comes through the choice to daily look for God's faithfulness in the small things.  Things we take for granted.  Things that I could easily have written off as coincidence.  David wrote in Psalm 139 how God has ordained all of my days and He has written them in his book.  He knows my going out and my lying down.  Do I have enough faith to believe that God is just as involved in the big stuff as He is in the quiet gentleness of getting me excited about a Bible study that He knows will help to heal my aching hurt or knowing exactly when the right timing was for my body to begin to recognize the baby needed to come out?

One of our friends from bible fellowship class pointed out yesterday that Hannah and Kate are also perfect examples of this.  God could have chosen to heal Hannah in my womb so that they would be born full-term, but He didn't.  He used everyday, normal medical technology to save their lives.  We wouldn't have started our NICU support group and been able to share His work in our daughters' lives had He chosen to provide one miraculous healing.  I know that is really hard to see when you are in the midst of a trial, but I'll take you back to Lamentations 3:22-23,

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning, great is your faithfulness."

Here is a beautiful song that reminds me daily that God is for me.  Enjoy!

What if My Healing Comes Through Tears?

It's unusual for me to have the radio completely off, but I had 4 children in the car yesterday and for reasons I'm sure that I don't need to explain, I turned it off.  I turned it back on on the way home from the gym this morning and the song that was playing was just what I needed to hear after being reminded for an entire hour of what was missing right now.  I had only returned to the gym this week so the last time I was there I was still pregnant.  It might seem silly, but I often have the thought, "Oh, the last time I was here, my baby was with  me."  Simple thought, but reality.  I'm sure it's a common thought of anyone who has recently lost a loved one.  When you walk into a room though and suddenly there are 3 pregnant women, 2 of which the last time I had seen them they weren't showing, it was a reminder that I would've been getting the "pregnant pudge" soon.  It's one of those few times at the gym that it's okay to be fat & you don't have to worry about sucking in your gut!  :)  I fought the whole time to keep my emotions neutral and tried to take my hurt/anger and put it into more energy for working out.




We have lived the truth of this song on more than one occasion and it's just another reminder that God is working in our family.  A verse that I have grown particularly fond of over the past couple of weeks is Genesis 41:52.  "It is because God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering."

Lord, may every tear that falls be watering the seeds of your glory that you are planting in not only our lives, but for everyone you will touch with our baby's life.

Awwwkward

"Hawk-ward" is how my Hannah says it, but awkward is a good word to describe how people feel sometimes when they get an answer they weren't expecting.  It might also be a good word to describe how I feel answering them.  I guess it might help if you knew the question.

"How many kids do you have?" OR the one I got asked tonight, "So you guys having any more kids?"

Let me be VERY clear when I say that I in no way hold it against anyone who asks the second question.  No one really knows what is going on.  I think I feel more sorry for them when they feel so bad for asking the question.  In that instant that it takes before I answer, I have a small internal struggle.  Do I give them the truth?  Do I lie and say I only have 3 kids so I don't have to explain?  Is it fair to deny my precious two children already in heaven?

My answer generally depends on who is asking and where I'm at at the time.  For instance, the lady giving me a pedicure the other day probably did not need to hear personal details about my life.  I came in to relax, not relive fresh grief.  However, tonight at church, I was involved in a conversation about my children and she asked if we were having more.  I struggled to answer for a second and then decided to just tell the truth.  I explained that we had just lost a baby a couple of weeks ago.  She, of course, apologized and said she felt so bad for asking.  I told her it was fine (and really it was my choice to answer the way I did) and that the Bible study we had all just come out of was God's way of working through my pain.

Still, I think that A LOT of women struggle with how to answer that question.  If I were completely honest with people, I have 5 children.  I have 3 living children and 2 in heaven.  Never quite imagined that our family would ever contain that many children and we don't have plans to stop there.  I won't tell you the right way or the wrong way.  It's each person's choice as to how they answer that question.  And you are not denying those babies in heaven if you choose to give the easy answer.

Although, answering those questions honestly gives me the opportunity to tell others of God's faithfulness.  If you find yourself on the opposite side and you are the one doing the asking, you don't have to apologize for asking the question.  Your intentions were pure.  You can always simply reply with, "I'm sorry for your loss.  How can I pray for you?"

Harder Than I Thought

I have been very encouraged by the many people who have said that they appreciate my honesty and transparency while going through this situation.  Therefore, I will keep sharing until I have nothing left to share.

Today, I had my post-op follow-up appointment with my OB.  I felt really strong and great going into it.  You know what that means, right?  The higher you feel, the farther you fall and the harder you smack the ground.  I was good until I walked in the office and I felt myself breaking piece by piece.  I looked over and saw a couple sitting (have no idea why they were there) in the exact same spot that George and I sat both times that we waited to see the doctor right before we were told of our miscarriage.  That's what started my emotional downward spiral.  I held it together while paying my doctor bill from the actual surgery.  Not that I blame the doctors at all, but it just kind of hurts to actually have to pay for them to remove my unborn baby.  At least it was merely a $15 co-pay.  Then I hid myself in some chairs that are behind a wall (for those of you who go to my doctor's office, you know exactly the ones I am talking about) and tried not to totally lose it.  I grabbed my Bible, which I thought would be a good read because I wasn't really sure what to expect.  I flipped through the Psalms and found some amazing words of comfort.  It was just kind of hard to feel the comfort at that point.

The sweet nurse tried to converse with me as little as possible because I think she knew something was wrong.  Not her fault, but when she asked me if I came alone, all I could do was cry.  She gave me some tissues and took me to the exam room and then gave me a big hug.  Kinda weird hugging a stranger, but when you are hurting that badly, you appreciate any hug you get.  I thought I'd have some time to collect myself, but they happened to put me next to someone who was listening to their baby's heartbeat.  And since the walls are thin, I heard everything.  I know it wasn't done to intentionally hurt me, but once again, it was the last thing that I needed at that moment.  Dr. walks in and I can't even talk.  Cue hug from my favorite doctor in the world.

My body has healed just fine.  I was very thankful that he gave me the option to do bloodwork.  That was just one more thing that I didn't want to have to endure in order to remind me of my loss.  He told me that he could see the baby just at my cervix when he was doing the surgery and he absolutely knows that he get the baby out.  It was comforting to hear that he knows without a doubt that there was a baby in my belly, but also hard to hear.  He told me to call him the minute I get pregnant next time so that he could start me on some preventative measures in case (and this is a big IF) it was my body that wasn't able to support the pregnancy.  We ultimately have no idea why we have miscarried twice.  It could be a chromosomal deformity, in which case there is nothing to prevent those types of miscarriages.  It could also be that I have insufficient hormone levels.  None of us know either way, but it is nice to have a doctor who personally understands the heartbreak of miscarriage and is willing to do anything he can to put our mind at ease the next time around.

Ultimately, I know that it is God's plan that has already prevailed and will prevail in our future.  Thank you so much for the prayers.  Today was a million times harder than I thought it would be and I remembered it being the first time around.