Harder Than I Thought

I have been very encouraged by the many people who have said that they appreciate my honesty and transparency while going through this situation.  Therefore, I will keep sharing until I have nothing left to share.

Today, I had my post-op follow-up appointment with my OB.  I felt really strong and great going into it.  You know what that means, right?  The higher you feel, the farther you fall and the harder you smack the ground.  I was good until I walked in the office and I felt myself breaking piece by piece.  I looked over and saw a couple sitting (have no idea why they were there) in the exact same spot that George and I sat both times that we waited to see the doctor right before we were told of our miscarriage.  That's what started my emotional downward spiral.  I held it together while paying my doctor bill from the actual surgery.  Not that I blame the doctors at all, but it just kind of hurts to actually have to pay for them to remove my unborn baby.  At least it was merely a $15 co-pay.  Then I hid myself in some chairs that are behind a wall (for those of you who go to my doctor's office, you know exactly the ones I am talking about) and tried not to totally lose it.  I grabbed my Bible, which I thought would be a good read because I wasn't really sure what to expect.  I flipped through the Psalms and found some amazing words of comfort.  It was just kind of hard to feel the comfort at that point.

The sweet nurse tried to converse with me as little as possible because I think she knew something was wrong.  Not her fault, but when she asked me if I came alone, all I could do was cry.  She gave me some tissues and took me to the exam room and then gave me a big hug.  Kinda weird hugging a stranger, but when you are hurting that badly, you appreciate any hug you get.  I thought I'd have some time to collect myself, but they happened to put me next to someone who was listening to their baby's heartbeat.  And since the walls are thin, I heard everything.  I know it wasn't done to intentionally hurt me, but once again, it was the last thing that I needed at that moment.  Dr. walks in and I can't even talk.  Cue hug from my favorite doctor in the world.

My body has healed just fine.  I was very thankful that he gave me the option to do bloodwork.  That was just one more thing that I didn't want to have to endure in order to remind me of my loss.  He told me that he could see the baby just at my cervix when he was doing the surgery and he absolutely knows that he get the baby out.  It was comforting to hear that he knows without a doubt that there was a baby in my belly, but also hard to hear.  He told me to call him the minute I get pregnant next time so that he could start me on some preventative measures in case (and this is a big IF) it was my body that wasn't able to support the pregnancy.  We ultimately have no idea why we have miscarried twice.  It could be a chromosomal deformity, in which case there is nothing to prevent those types of miscarriages.  It could also be that I have insufficient hormone levels.  None of us know either way, but it is nice to have a doctor who personally understands the heartbreak of miscarriage and is willing to do anything he can to put our mind at ease the next time around.

Ultimately, I know that it is God's plan that has already prevailed and will prevail in our future.  Thank you so much for the prayers.  Today was a million times harder than I thought it would be and I remembered it being the first time around.