Ask

I've had a lot of people mention to me that they fall into one of two categories:

1) You either have suffered a miscarriage(s) and like most who do, find yourself trying to navigate the grief feeling alone.  You may have either chosen to share about your little one, or you may have kept it to your immediate family & friends, or you may have told no one at all.  So while most of us aren't actually alone in our suffering, we feel that way because most people find it extremely hard to grieve a baby that they have no bond with.  However, some do choose to keep it a secret from everyone, and that's their choice.  I personally would find that very hard to do as it would make me have to do one of two things: either put on this mask of "I've got it all together" or avoid people like the plague to not allow people so see my real hurt.  That's simply not how God wired me.

It's a personal choice for each woman.  However, I would encourage you to share it with at least close friends and family.  You need to have people praying for you.  When you are grieving and hurting is when Satan will attempt to convince you the most that God is not for you and that He doesn't mean to use your suffering for His glory.  You need people who will speak and pray the truth into your life.  I think that you will also find it hard to fully heal because you always walk around with this little secret and you are pretending.  People need to see the depth of hurt in us so they can see the depth of Jesus's unfailing compassion and mercy.

2) The other category would be that you are family members or friends or know someone who has suffered a miscarriage(s).  A lot of people struggle with how to help and encourage those who are grieving because they don't know how to.  I always appreciate someone's attempt, even if it's way off, than someone who never tries at all.  My advice to people who fall into the second category is to ask.  Most people will ask in the week that follows, but soon people move on and there never comes another, "How are you doing?"  I had a friend ask even today if there was anything I needed.  I feel like life has returned to our new normal and I'm okay with that so I told her no.

Don't be afraid to ask though.  I have no problem talking about my baby.  It's the only chance that I ever get to.  I don't have any baby pictures to show off, but I guess the story I have to tell of God's faithfulness is just as important.  While I don't have a beautiful birth story, my baby does have a beautiful story.  It's His story of His faithfulness and glory.  So if you feel hesitant to ask because you're afraid that I won't want to talk about it, that may be a risk you have to take.  Just know that most women are willing to talk. We just don't want to be the ones who start the conversation because we don't want you to feel like that's all we ever talk about.  Maybe you take that risk though and the person puts up a wall.  I guarantee that at least that woman will walk away knowing that even if she has no desire to discuss her suffering, she will at least know that you cared enough to ask.  It's better to risk asking because you care than to risk ignoring the situation and making her feel like she is just another face in a sea of people.  


I guess my main encouragement in writing this today is to people who aren't the ones suffering directly, but are watching a loved one walk through that grieving process.  I would say that the most important thing to communicate in whatever approach you use is to make it your end goal to leave that person feeling like they have support and they (most importantly, their baby) are not forgotten.

I hope all of that makes sense!